Well, let's assume somebody, say Simon Cowell, has given me television to do with what I want. Here is what I would do almost immediately:
- First to go in the bin are the soaps. Yes, all of them. Emmerdale and Eastenders first, followed by the unending drivel that is Coronation St, Hollyoaks, Neighbours and Home & Away.
- Next is ITV1's replacement for GMTV, Daybreak. It's now down to just three viewers and two of those are dogs, so it's prime for feeling the sharpness of my axe. As is Adrian Chiles's big, fat, ugly neck.
- Now come the controversial choices: The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent. I used to love these shows, despite being fully aware of the manipulation of the viewer behind them. Without Simon Cowell, these shows are nothing. He needs to be on-screen throughout. They can be saved from my blade by simply moving the broadcast dates so they don't clash with his new US-baby. These shows have become 'must-watch' if you don't want to look like a moron when they come up in everyday conversation. Simple solution: axe them. Chuck Big Brother in with this, too, much as I enjoy it. Channel 5 have done nothing new to the show so it will continue along its inevitable decline. Oh, and Dancing On Ice. Oh, and, Strictly Come Dancing.
- Loose Women. See a previous blog post for further details.
- Quiz shows: Eggheads, The Weakest Link, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and Deal or No Deal. None of which come anywhere near to the splendid Pointless in terms of production and enjoyment.
- Jersey Shore/Geordie Shore.
- Coach Trip.
- Any show with 'Question' in the title - Question of Sport, Question Time...
- The Jeremy Kyle Show. How do they get so many people to go on a television show and have their dirty laundry aired in public? They must be using actors by now.
- Songs of Praise (who believes in God these days?).
- Antiques Roadshow, if only because it encourages the materialistic culture we have seen develop over the past decade in the UK.
- This Morning. See a previous blog post for further details.
- SkyOne's new comedies: Trollied and Mount Pleasant. Absolute bile and badly-acted. The scripts are puerile rubbish, seemingly written by men without brains.
- Shameless.
- Televised coverage of horse racing.
- Top Gear. Clarkson getting a hard-on at the sound of his own voice, Hammond sounding like a cheesey 1980s commercial radio presenter and the gormless studio audience who stand around clapping like seals and grinning inanely at the jokes and xenophobic comments are just woeful. I'm glad I have no interest in cars, as if I did, I'd find this show utterly reprehensible.
- Friends and Simpsons repeats. They've lost their humour-value due to being shown so many times.
- The Only Way Is Essex.
- Any show that is exclusive to celebrities: Mr & Mrs, Family Fortunes...
- Take Me Out. Trash. No likey, no lighty, indeed.
- An entire channel: Babestation.
- To be 'taken out': Ross Kemp, Davina McCall and Fearne Cotton.
- Any football coverage that has more than five minutes either side of the actual game for mindless punditry. Why do they spend two hours discussing what might happen in a game of chance? I don't do that when I play Monopoly. If you just wait, you'll see it all unfold before your very eyes. I think I need to go on a long holiday during the Olympics next year...
- Bargain Hunt.
